Increase Your Self-Confidence And Decrease Your People Pleasing From Within Your Comfort Zone
How do we build self-confidence? How do we come to that place of feeling like we are not scared to put ourselves out there, like we don’t care what others think, like we’re easily able to communicate to others what we are selling – without feeling uncomfortable?
How do we overcome our need to people-please? And why do we feel compelled to do it?
Creating a business and life that lights you up is so much harder when we are ruled by these factors, so let me give you another way to look at them...along with some simple, actionable tips and tools to increase your self-confidence and decrease your people-pleasing from within your comfort zone – starting right now.
WHAT SELF-CONFIDENCE IS AND HOW IT'S CREATED
Let’s start with what confidence is.
It’s that feeling of assuredness. It’s knowing that all is well as you go about what you’re doing.
So, what creates the lack of self-confidence? Fear. That’s all.
It’s a fear of what others will think, it’s a fear of getting it wrong, it’s a fear of people seeing who you really are and rejecting or judging you.
And these are just things we’ve been taught.
When we were little we were so full of ourselves. We knew who we were. We knew that we were worthy. We felt invincible.
That feeling of confidence slowly disappeared over time because we let what others were thinking about us and what they reflected back to us become more important than the connection to our True Selves (that part of us that already knows we are worthy).
The well-meaning people around us trained us away from this by telling us that we shouldn’t be so full of ourselves because others won’t like us, or if we threw a tantrum in the shopping center, they said things like, ‘Look! People are looking at you now because you’re behaving inappropriately.’
They told us, 'No-one likes a person who blows their own horn.'
They trained us away from our innate confidence as they stood in their own lack of self-worth, their own lack of self-confidence, and their own limiting beliefs (because they'd been trained away from knowing who they truly are as well).
So how do we deal with these fears? Do we face them? Do we push through them? Do we ‘fake it till we make it’?
It’s not about more DOING; it’s actually about STOPPING what we are doing.
Self-confidence is not something we have to learn or create or conjure up. It’s already who we truly are. All that’s required to cultivate it, is a conscious, deliberate reconnection to who we truly are.
Let’s do an exercise so that I can show you and you can experience for yourself what I’m saying.
I’m going to take you through a 2 to 3 minute meditation exercise to connect you to your True Power Place and to really LOCK it in, so that you can come back to it any time you want to.
While you’re connected to your True Power Place we are also going to ask your life or business a question (let’s make the most of this time in that place).
MEDITATION FOR CONNECTING TO OUR TRUE POWER PLACE (OUR SELF-CONFIDENCE)[Record this to your phone and play it back in a quiet place where you'll be undisturbed for 10 minutes]
Start with getting comfortable and taking a couple of deep breaths in…and letting them out slowly and setting the intention that we are going to get everything we need from this process.
Just become aware of your body softening and relaxing as you breathe normally now.
You can close your eyes or keep them open with a soft focus. Whatever feels safe and comfortable to you.
Now imagine yourself, alone, somewhere safe … in a garden, in a meadow, beside a creek or stream, in a forest or on a mountain top. Anywhere that feels right for you.
Feel the earth beneath you. Feel your connectedness to the earth.
Now feel yourself being suspended just above the ground. Feel yourself being held up by an inner buoyancy, hovering just above the ground. Enjoy this feeling of lightness and calm. Stay hovering a just a few inches off the ground.
Now, imagine yourself doing something you know you are really good at.
Whether it is in your business, or a craft that you do, or a meal you cook, or when you’re advising your friend who’s having an issue…any time that you feel you KNOW YOUR STUFF.[It doesn't matter how big or small the thing is that you're really good at, because it's all about the FEELING.]
Connect to that feeling. Feel your self-assuredness; the feeling of calm confidence. THAT is your True Power Place. Simple, right? THAT. IS. IT.
Bring that feeling of self- assuredness now into the center of your body (wherever that is for you)…that feeling of KNOWING YOU’VE GOT THIS because you can do this without even thinking. This comes naturally to you. This doesn’t need any effort from you. You just KNOW that you are good at this.
Now expand this feeling; make it bigger.
Feel the energy of this self-assuredness and feel it growing and expanding out in all directions from you. Feel how YOU are in the center of this feeling. YOU are this feeling. YOU are this powerful feeling. And you are sending out the energy of this feeling in all directions.
This is you. You are so powerful. You have come here with a reason. You have come here to have everything you want and to share that with others.
Now sit with this feeling for a while – for as long as you want to. What do you see…or hear…or feel? Don’t question it. There is no right or wrong. Your True Power Place is unique to YOU.
Acknowledge this feeling. Say to yourself, ‘I know this feeling. I’ve felt this feeling many times before. When I came into this world this feeling was my natural state of being. I KNEW my power. I owned my power. I can NOW connect with my power any time I choose because it never left me. I have simply not practiced being connected to it.’
While you’re in this place, connected to your power, and therefore open to hearing your intuition or Higher Guidance, you might want to ask a question about what your life or your business wants you to know.
Ask your business or your life a question now…..
Listen and feel for the answer…..
When you are ready bring your awareness back to where you chose to sit at the beginning of this meditation – in the garden, the meadow, beside the creek or stream, in the forest or on a mountain top.
Feel yourself on the ground; connected to the earth and ready to return to the room now.
Open your eyes when you are ready.
Now, In order to ANCHOR this in, spend around 7 minutes after doing this meditation to write in your journal, or on a piece of paper) what you saw, felt, or heard in the meditation. Stay with the FEELING. KNOW that this is who you truly are. That this is what you are bringing to your life and business when you show up in your power.
Being able to know your power and connect to it whenever you choose is important because it is here that you can connect to your intuition and your Higher Guidance.
And it’s so valuable to know that our personal power is not something that we have to ATTAIN or WORK TOWARDS because it is inside every single one of us. We just need to ACKNOWLEDGE it and KNOW that we can connect with it ANY TIME WE WANT TO.
So, in a nutshell, cultivating confidence is about knowing who you truly are and being able to make THAT your truth, instead of the limiting beliefs we’ve picked up.
THINGS TO PRACTICE TO BOOST YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE
- EXPLORE A NEW STORY
Check in with the stories your mind is telling you and ask yourself if they are true now that you have been to your True Power Place and you have felt who you truly are.
They can’t be true because they don’t feel anything like that felt. They feel really fearful and uncomfortable.
Make a note of the stories and ask, ‘What if I were the opposite of what this story is telling me? How would that look?’
Write down what is possible for you from this place.
- SPEND MORE TIME DOING WHAT YOU’RE REALLY GOOD AT
Spending more time in that feeling of self-assuredness helps to make it more prominent in your life. The universe doesn’t distinguish between what you’re confident about because it is only responding to how you FEEL.
Continue to connect with the feeling of self-assuredness by making time to do more of the things you're really good and, keep reminding yourself that this feeling is who you truly are.
- STOP ALLOWING LIMITING BELIEFS TO HOLD YOU BACK
Start identifying those limiting beliefs that pop up every time you go to do something that triggers your lack of confidence.
Work on turning them into positive affirmations that you believe are true about yourself so that your monkey mind/ego has less of a hold on you in those moments that require confidence.
DECREASING PEOPLE PLEASING
Why do we feel the need to please others? Because we’ve been trained to. Period.
There are a couple of factors:
- Our mother (or other influencial guardians) was a people-pleaser, so we picked that up organically by watching her behaviour
- Other people of influence praised us when we did things that pleased them and were displeased with us when we did things that they didn’t like.
When we were little, we had a natural tendency to do things that made US feel good (that pleased us), but we were told by others that if we did something to please ourselves and they were not pleased, we had to stop what we were doing (stop honouring our own desires) and do what made them feel good.
Then they looked at us and praised us and rewarded us.
And of course, no-one likes to be admonished or made to feel unloved or unapproved of because that feels really bad, so we very quickly learned to adapt our behaviour to please others.
The anomaly here is that when we are doing what pleases US we feel so good. We are more in alignment with who we truly are, which means we are in a stronger place to hold space for others to feel good and to show them the power of doing what lights you up.
So what we want to be doing is UPLIFTING others instead of pleasing them.
You are at your most powerful when you are in alignment with who you truly are, and your intuition and Higher Guidance is flowing through you, than when you are trying to please them from a place of feeling worried about what they’ll think, or feeling nervous that they won’t like you or that they’ll be displeased with you.
Try these exercises to stop pleasing others:
- KNOW THAT EVERYONE HAS THE ABILITY TO CHOOSE HOW THEY FEEL
It’s not your job to make others feel better. It’s your job to be the example of someone who chooses to feel good by doing what pleases them so that they can uplift others from their True Power Place; not from a place of dis-empowerment.
- CREATE SOME AFFIRMATIONS THAT WILL SOLIDIFY YOUR NEW BELIEF
‘When I put myself first I am honouring who I am and empowering others through my powerful example.’
‘When I am in alignment with who I truly am, I am connected to my Higher Guidance and can help people so much more from that powerful place.’
‘I understand the difference between pleasing others at the expense of my alignment, and uplifting others because I know they are truly powerful beings too.’
Increasing self-confidence and decreasing people-pleasing is a matter of practicing a new way of seeing things and changing the old, practiced thoughts we have on auto-pilot.
By retraining ourselves we create new neural pathways in our brain, which means the new behaviours become as normal as the old ones were. Self-confidence is inside all of us (and if we can shift our belief around that alone, we have taken big steps toward feeling self-assured in actions). People-pleasing is also just a learned behaviour that can be changed.
And by creating and practicing the new behaviours, we start working (energetically) smarter, which means more being and less doing in order to create more confidence, clarity, ease and flow in our life and business.